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Japan Enshrines Male-Only Imperial Succession

2026-10-27T13:04:21+00:00

Japan passed deeply unpopular revisions surrounding imperial succession that allows only males to ascend to emperor, snubbing the popular Japanese Princess Aiko from becoming empress. What do you think?

“You’d think a 1,500-year-old monarchy could get with the times.”
Lexa Klingenhofer, Systems Analyst

“A frickin’ chick emperor? Actually, that sounds kind of cool.”
Dirk Harles, Mulch Spreader

“Women should start their own Japanese monarchy.”
Jack Meyers, Part-Time Calligrapher

Should Food Cost More?

2026-10-27T11:58:55+00:00

Scene That Took Stop-Motion Animator 120 Hours To Make Texted Through

2026-10-27T09:35:19+00:00

Most Of Woman’s College Memories Walking Home Crying In Halloween Makeup

2026-10-27T05:00:00+00:00

OMAHA, NE—Admitting she recalled little else from her four years as an undergraduate, local woman Ally Biederman confirmed Tuesday that most of her college memories involved walking home while crying in Halloween makeup. “Pretty much all I remember from 2013 to 2017 is drunkenly stumbling back to my dorm with Halloween face paint running down my cheeks,” said the 31-year-old, adding that any other recollections of her social or academic life had been eclipsed by the nights she’d spent standing in the quad sobbing off the elaborate makeup she’d applied for her Frankenstein, zombie nurse, and “Sexy Mario” costumes. “I have a degree, so clearly I must have studied and attended classes. But for the most part, the only impressions that remain are crying so hard in a frat house basement that my Mario mustache came off, squeezing into the back of an Uber with yellow Minion makeup streaming down my face, and sitting hungover in a dining hall still dressed in the same mermaid costume I’d worn the night before.” Biederman also told reporters that despite graduating magna cum laude, being admitted to graduate school, and meeting her future husband, she had no memories from her entire senior year except getting her stomach pumped while dressed like a mime.

Panicked Kylie Jenner Accidentally Washes $50 Million Fantasy Bra On Regular Cycle

2026-10-26T10:35:28+00:00

HIDDEN HILLS, CA—Muttering “Oh shit” as she realized her mistake, media personality Kylie Jenner was reportedly panicking Monday after accidentally washing the $50 million Victoria’s Secret Fantasy Bra on a regular cycle. “I was probably supposed to use the delicate setting, but now the lid’s locked, so what can I do?” said Jenner, who cursed herself for forgetting to read the care instructions on the tag of the four-pound, diamond-encrusted garment before tossing it into the machine with boyfriend Timothée Chalamet’s gym clothes. “Fuck, I should have at least put it in one of those little mesh bags. And hopefully the fabric softener doesn’t make it less sparkly. Diamonds are supposed to be indestructible, right? Isn’t that the whole point of diamonds? Eh, whatever. A bra’s for wearing under other stuff anyway.” At press time, sources confirmed that the bra came out intact, emboldening Jenner to stuff her 10-foot Victoria’s Secret angel wings into the washer next.

Election Officials Warn That Ballots Tied To Stray Cat Unlikely To Arrive In Time

2026-10-26T10:24:20+00:00

LANSING, MI—Urging the public to use the most reliable methods available to submit their vote, election officials across the country warned Monday that a ballot tied to stray cat would likely not arrive in time. “Unfortunately, finding a stray tabby under a car and gently tying your ballot to its tail with a ribbon almost certainly ensures your vote will miss the deadline for counting,” said Michigan Secretary of State Jocelyn Benson, adding that laying out a few treats in a trail and nudging the animal in the direction of the city clerk’s office would not accelerate the process. “Cats are notoriously distractible, and every minute wasted stalking a moth or snoozing on a patch of sunny pavement increases the risk that your voice will not be heard in this critical midterm election. If you are nowhere near a ballot drop box or even a standard mailbox and have no other alternative, at least select a stray that seems to be in good health and capable of evading coyotes, hawks, and other predators. It is unlikely those animals will assume possession of your ballot and carry it to its final destination.” Benson went on to say that voters with no access to any other method could simply tie their ballot to a balloon, which arrives by the deadline 98% of the time.

Years Of Learning To Love Self Undone By Single Glimpse Of Body In Self-Checkout Camera

2026-10-26T05:00:00+00:00

SAN DIEGO—The brief moment proving to be all that was necessary to completely eviscerate her self image, area woman Alena Reese reportedly had years of learning to love herself undone Monday by a single glimpse of her body in the self-checkout camera at Target. “Well, I guess that’s decades of attempting to maintain a positive view of myself up in smoke now that I’ve accidentally caught sight of my disgusting, sweaty frame on the screen there,” said Reese, who confirmed that the countless therapy sessions and lifetime of emotional growth that had allowed her to achieve a degree of self-acceptance were no match for the horrifying eyeful of her face and figure. “I was having a reasonably good day, feeling all right about where I was in the world, and then, bang! All gone. Look at that wretched troll. Has my nose always been so big? And my blotchy skin. Christ, is this really what I look like? Is this what other people see when they look at me? Oh God, it’s a wonder they don’t put me on display in some sort of freak show.” At press time, Reese had reportedly put back the ice cream and Doritos she had planned on purchasing in favor of a head of lettuce and teeth whitening strips.

Career Experts Advise Job Applicants To Send Interviewer Follow-Up Blackmail

2026-10-26T05:00:00+00:00

NEW YORK—Stressing the importance of circling back to how much a prospective employer has to lose if they don’t follow instructions, a group of career experts issued a recommendation Monday advising job candidates to send their interviewer a follow-up blackmail. “Applicants often worry they’ll come across as overly assertive or annoying if they reach out to threaten a hiring manager more than once, but most employers we’ve spoken to appreciate a reminder that a candidate has a video of them in a compromising position,” said staffing coach William Blumington, confirming that applicants shouldn’t feel embarrassed to send a few lines about how much they enjoyed watching the employer in bed with someone other than their spouse. “A follow-up blackmail is a good place to establish that your interviewer is playing a very dangerous game if he thinks he can ignore you, and to gently highlight your ability to send photos of him doing drugs or partying with minors to all of the company’s board members. As long as you’re clear and forthright, a communiqué like this shows that you have initiative and that this job is important enough for you to make their lives a living hell.” Blumington added that if interviewees had not heard back from an employer after two weeks, they should assume he had killed himself out of shame and move on to better extortion prospects.

Midterm Races To Watch In 2026

2026-10-26T05:00:00+00:00

As the race for control of Congress heats up, politicians on both sides of the aisle are making their case to the American people. The Onion highlights the most pivotal contests to watch in the 2026 election cycle.

Abdul El-Sayed vs. Mike Rogers (Senate, Michigan): Republicans find out how much juice is left in the ol’ 9/11 orange.

100 Starving Contestants (House, North Carolina): Only one person can win MrBeast’s newest game and become the freshman congressional rep for North Carolina’s 3rd Congressional District.

Susan Collins vs. Graham Platner (Senate, Maine): Platner remains on the ballot for people who really haven’t been keeping up with the news.

Cory Booker vs. Justin Murphy (Senate, New Jersey): Nothing too crazy, but it’s still nice to show Cory some love after his breakup with Rosario Dawson.

Pramila Jayapal vs. No, I’m The Real Pramila Jayapal (House, Washington): The winner of this race will be whoever can answer questions that only the real Pramila Jayapal would know.

Amy Acton vs. Vivek Ramaswamy (Governor, Ohio): Ramaswamy is betting it all with last-minute efforts targeting voters in the Psychopath Belt.

Farley Burns vs. Amanda Garvey (Dungeon Master, Akron, OH): Both are excellent choices, but only one can lead this homebrew D&D campaign to legendary success.

Angie Nixon vs. Ashley Moody (Senate, Florida): A high-stakes race to determine which politician gets the hell out of Florida.

James Talarico vs. Jeffrey Epstein (Senator, Texas): Polls show Talarico narrowly ahead of the reemergent sex trafficker.

Sam Edwards vs. Betsy Sinclair (City Council Representative, Your City): This race for your local city council seat will have by far the greatest impact on you, making it a little strange how much more you know about a Senate race happening 12 states away.

Luxury Doomsday Bunkers Gain Popularity Among Ultra-Wealthy

2026-10-26T05:00:00+00:00

Ultra-wealthy families are constructing luxury doomsday bunkers with amenities ranging from gyms and spas to meditation rooms and movie theaters, the boom coming amid the backdrop of growing geopolitical turmoil and the rise of AI. What do you think?

“Or you can save money by hiding in the closet with a granola bar.”
June Welker, Swamp Guide

“I nuclear winter in our Aspen bunker.”
Malick Diatta, Lacquer Salesman

“But half the fun of the apocalypse is having to rough it a little.”
CJ Morrison, Chain Linker

CIA Experiencing Mass Exodus

2026-10-23T09:25:54+00:00

The Central Intelligence Agency is experiencing a historic surge of departures as the Trump administration pushes veteran officers to resign or retire. What do you think?

“So that’s why I keep seeing #OpenToSpy banners on LinkedIn.”
Lynn Mysyk, Boot Fitter

“No wonder we haven’t overthrown any governments this month.”
Phil Baker, Backup Carpenter

“Luckily, waterboarding is a highly transferable skill.”
Diego Calderon, Rhinestone Installer

Tips For Reducing Sodium Intake

2026-10-23T07:38:40+00:00

With millions of Americans consuming far more sodium than is recommended by doctors, many are looking for ways to cut back. The Onion shares tips for lowering the amount of salt in your diet.

Stay away from foods with red-flag terms on the label like “flavor.”

Buy fresh, frozen, or canned jerky.

Limit your krill consumption to 16 tons a day if you’re a blue whale, or 9 tons if you’re a humpback.

There is a healer to the north who can cleanse your flavored rice packets of cursed sodium, but beware: The journey to his abode is fraught with peril.

Consider only eating on special occasions.

Avoid temptation by throwing away the three salt packets from Wendy’s that have been in your glove compartment since 2022.

Ask your slug friends what they like to drink and eat.

Do that thing where you halfheartedly brush off a handful of salt flakes from one of those big pretzels and act like that makes it healthy.

Fuck this. You already cut down on sugar.

Powerball Adds Essay Section

2026-10-23T07:36:06+00:00

CLIVE, IA—In an effort to make their selection process more robust and holistic, officials at the multistate lottery game Powerball announced Friday the addition of an essay section. “In order to learn more about the wide range of people interested in becoming Powerball winners, we’re asking that all entrants include a 2,000-word supplemental essay along with their Powerball numbers,” said spokeswoman Jenna McGill, who explained that each participant must submit their work in single-spaced, 12-point Times New Roman font, writing on the topic of how their life experiences have shaped their identity and why they are uniquely qualified to win the lottery. “We have an incredibly large and diverse pool of individuals interested in our jackpot, and this new requirement allows us to hear more about your point of view and how you might fit into the Powerball winners community. We’re confident this new section will allow us to know each lottery player better before we announce our big winner, whose selection will continue to be completely random.” Powerball later released an addendum clarifying that all essays not written in proper MLA style would be immediately disqualified.

DC Clarifies ‘Clayface’ Not Connected To Matt Reeves’ ‘Batman’ Unless It Actually Is

2026-10-23T06:59:11+00:00

BURBANK, CA—Attempting to outline plans for their cinematic universe to fans, producers at DC Studios clarified in a press statement Friday that the new film Clayface was not connected to Matt Reeves’ The Batman, unless they decided it actually was. “With so much confusion over the large-scale world-building we’re doing, we wanted to clear things up and officially state that Clayface is its own separate property that is in no way related to my DCU, but is also directly tied to every other DC project that I am producing,” said DC Studios co-chairman James Gunn, stressing that moviegoers could go into the new villain origin story without seeing any of the previous films, but should be prepared for that to change at a moment’s notice. “For the record, Clayface is a separate, contained universe that, as of five minutes ago, is also the same universe my Superman took place in. You know what? Scratch that. It’s not related to Superman, but it is related to the Pattinson Batman movies. Wait, I mean Superman is connected to the Pattinson Batman, not Clayface. I will also reveal that Clayface is connected to Peacemaker, but only season two, obviously, and only some of it. Again, stay tuned.” Gunn went on to divulge that all these films were officially direct continuations of Iron Man 2.

Increasingly Healthy Pope Asserts He Will Soon Be Strong Enough To Battle God

2026-10-23T06:57:16+00:00

VATICAN CITY—In the latest sign that his health continues to improve, Pope Leo XIV declared Friday in an address to Catholics around the world that he would soon be strong enough to battle God. “To the faithful gathered here, thank you for your support, and know that I now feel better than ever before—so good, in fact, that I will shortly be back in shape and able to take on the Lord God Himself,” the Supreme Pontiff said in an address from St. Peter’s balcony, his muscles visibly rippling through his vestments as he cracked his knuckles and pointed menacingly toward the heavens. “Day by day, my strength is returning at an almost frightening pace. Give me a few more nights of rest, and I will ascend to the clouds, grab the Almighty from His Heavenly Throne, and finish Him with a chokeslam. Then I’ll make Jesus get down on all fours so I may rest my feet on His back. That will show us who serves whom.” The pope then addressed the Lord directly, stating that if you try to kill a loyal servant by giving them lung cancer, you’d better not miss.

Dad Losing His Fucking Mind Over Box Seat Amenities

2026-10-23T06:48:44+00:00

CHICAGO—Dashing from station to station in a state of pure delirium as he gazed upon the endless spread of complimentary food and drinks, local dad Bruce Etheridge was reportedly losing his fucking mind Tuesday over the box suite amenities at a Blackhawks game. “Holy crap, they got hot dogs, loaded nachos, steak sliders—this is the kind of stuff they charge you a fortune for out on the concourse, and we can just walk up and take it!” Etheridge said to his children before collapsing onto one of the suite’s leather couches with a towering plate of food, gazing up in wonder at the massive flat-screen TV overhead, and repeatedly announcing to no one in particular that the tickets “cost $250 a pop,” as if he had personally shelled out for them instead of getting them free through work. “Now listen to me, when that dessert cart comes around, you grab as many brownies as you can, because it only makes one trip, and after it goes by, that’s it. Fill your coat pockets with snacks, too, because they just throw all this out at the end of the night anyway, and I’m not about to sit here and let all that premium grub go to waste. And—hold on, is that Stella Artois? They got Stella Artois in here? Kids, this is top-shelf stuff! You see that gold foil on the bottle? That’s how you know you’re a VIP.” According to reports, Etheridge was also seen standing at the edge of the suite and loudly calling for his mortified wife to take a picture of the ABC weather guy seated four boxes down so they’d have proof that they’d been rubbing elbows with celebrities.

‘Now My Breasts Are Over Here,’ Announces Sydney Sweeney Peeking Out From Oak Tree

2026-10-23T05:00:00+00:00

LOS ANGELES—Peeking out from behind the trunk with a mischievous grin on her face, actress Sydney Sweeney announced, “Now my breasts are over here!” from behind an old oak tree Friday. “He-he, it’s me,” said the 29-year-old Euphoria and Anyone But You star, who giggled as she ducked behind the tree and reemerged a moment later from behind a telephone pole across the street, followed by an oleander bush, a playground slide, and a mail carrier’s bag. “Um, excuse me? Were you looking for my breasts? Because they’re right here! Or are they here? He-he, where will they appear next? Will it be this gopher hole? Your refrigerator, perhaps? There are so many drawers in your office filing cabinet—I wonder if one of them has my boobs in it? Don’t forget to look at the moon tonight!” At press time, reports confirmed a terrified child had run to his parents’ room crying that he’d found Sydney Sweeney’s breasts under his bed.

Plan To Splurge Scrapped On Account Of Price

2026-10-22T11:30:13+00:00

SAN FRANCISCO—Immediately reconsidering her decision to treat herself to a little spending spree upon seeing how much it would cost, local woman Christina Rogers reportedly scrapped her plan to splurge Thursday on account of the price. “I told myself I was going to reward my hard work this week by dropping some serious dough on a nice shirt, but then I saw what they charge for a nice shirt,” said Rogers, adding that she abandoned the idea of spending lavishly on herself when she checked the price tag and realized she would have to pay $89.99 plus tax. “This money is burning a hole in my pocket, but the hole isn’t that big. Hopefully I’ll have a chance to splurge more responsibly if this goes on sale in a month or two.” At press time, sources confirmed Rogers had taken her desire to splurge to the clearance rack.

Mom Making Her Birthday All About Her

2026-10-22T09:46:26+00:00

DAVENPORT, IA—In a shocking and distressing display of self-centered behavior on “this day of all days,” the grown children of Lynn Sullivan confirmed Thursday that their mom was making her birthday entirely about her. “It’s just ‘me, me, me,’ with her today. Unbelievable,” said 19-year-old son Brian Sullivan, who was reportedly upset by the lack of attention he received on his mother’s 53rd birthday that morning. “She just thinks the world revolves around her, even when it’s her birthday. She could’ve asked if maybe I might like some breakfast in bed too, but no—all she cared about was getting hers. And I guess she just decided that Aunt Becky is gonna come over for coffee later? I don’t remember agreeing to that, but okay. God, this is the exact same shit she pulled on Mother’s Day.” At press time, Sullivan expressed relief that his mom would at least still be cooking dinner that evening.

Nathan Fielder Quietly Deletes Footage Of Theranos Machine Working Perfectly

2026-10-22T09:14:33+00:00