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White House Mocks Paltry Attendance At Democrats’ Great American State Fair

2026-06-29T10:19:26+00:00

WASHINGTON—Expressing delight at the complete humiliation of their political opponents, White House officials on Monday gleefully mocked the paltry attendance at Democrats’ Great American State Fair. “To no one’s surprise, the Democrats and their socialist allies botched America’s 250th anniversary with a so-called celebration that absolutely no one showed up for,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, adding that it must have been mortifying for Democratic luminaries such as Nancy Pelosi and Zohran Mamdani to hype the event for months only to have a full line-up of ’80s has-beens back out of performing. “I mean, did you see all those empty booths? And the stalled Ferris wheel and the ice cream melting from power outages? You’d think the deep state would be a bit more organized, but then again with Sleepy Joe at the controls, what do you expect? I do give them credit for one thing, though: We’re all talking about this disaster instead of the Epstein files, which, come to think of it, is probably what Democrats wanted all along.” Leavitt added that things will be different if America rises up and puts a Republican in the Oval Office in 2028.

Player Profile: Lionel Messi

2026-06-29T09:48:51+00:00

Broadly considered one of the greatest soccer players of all time, Argentina’s Lionel Messi set a new record as the top goalscorer in World Cup history. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the eight-time Ballon d’Or winner.

Age: 39, minus stoppage time

Favorite Charity: Major League Soccer

Catchphrase: “…”

Net Worth: Can’t complain

Pre-Match Ritual: Eating a little grass to acclimate to the field

Least Favorite Part Of Sport: Having to kick the beautiful soccer balls

Special Talent: Can also use his feet to cook

Favorite Thing About Miami: Starting over where nobody knows his name

Grandparents’ Activity During WW2: Hopefully just soccer

Signature Celebration: Pointing to sky to thank a bird he saw

Only 11 Hours From The Beach

2026-06-29T05:31:24+00:00

With this practically coastal retreat, breathtaking ocean breezes and the soothing sound of waves are only a day-long car ride and a few state lines away, depending on traffic.

Reference #78339

Stars Share Their Plans For The Summer

2026-06-29T05:27:50+00:00

Millions of Americans will embark on summer vacations this year. Reporters for The Onion asked stars to share their own warm weather plans.

Explore the list in detail

Sabrina Carpenter

“I have a big stack of books that I’m excited to sit on so I can safely drive.”

Ariana Grande

“I’m going to a spa in Switzerland where they kill you.”

Ina Garten

“I say I’ll do this every summer, but this time I actually mean it: I’m going to cast out the ghost that’s living in my fridge.”

MrBeast

“Evading the authorities.”

Simu Liu

“Laying out all my clothes for the fall.”

Russell Brand

“Whatever I do, I’ll deny it’s sex tourism.”

Michael B. Jordan

“Coconuts, pineapples, and little wedges of lime—yeah, it’s safe to say I’ll be spending a lot of time in the produce section.”

Sydney Sweeney

“I’m going to politicize Popsicles.”

Chappell Roan

“PR damage control for something that hasn’t happened yet.”

Jacob Elordi

“I’ll be attending NASA space camp with several of my close friends.”

Noah Wyle

“Filming our upcoming The Pitt: Aloha Means Work Family Hawaiian summer special.”

Selena Gomez

“My plans for the summer will have no impact on you whatsoever. I urge you to do a great deal of soul-searching until you understand why knowing more about my personal life and hobbies would satisfy you in any way.”

Andy Dick

“Waking up in a sack in the ocean.”

Jack Harlow

“I will be defending my thesis at Howard University.”

Tom Hanks

“Isolate in my remote bunker so Jamie Foxx can’t get me.”

Jamie Foxx

“Get Tom Hanks.”

Travis Kelce Reserves Seat At Reception For SpongeBob Just In Case

2026-06-29T05:11:57+00:00

NEW YORK—Fastening the paper sign to a chair “just in case,” Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce reportedly reserved a seat at his wedding reception Monday for SpongeBob. “I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up and that Mr. SquarePants is a really busy guy, but man, it would be cool as hell if he did show up,” said the 36-year-old groom, who told reporters he had been doing double takes all day every time he saw a short guy in a tie out of the corner of his eye. “He doesn’t even need to bring a present, he can just give me a high-five and give an epic toast about jellyfishing. It’s a bit of a long shot, I know, but I’ve been throwing invitations into the ocean since last fall, so he’s had plenty of time to get the time off approved by Mr. Krabs.” At press time, Taylor Swift was reportedly expressing concern after noticing Kelce had moved the chair reserved for SpongeBob right between theirs at the head table.

Emma Stone Finally Quits Waiting Tables

2026-06-29T05:00:00+00:00

LOS ANGELES—After working more than 11 years at a local family-owned Italian restaurant, actress Emma Stone confirmed Monday she was finally quitting her job waiting tables. “I’m a little nervous—you know, nothing is ever guaranteed in show business—but my fingers are crossed that everything works out for the best,” said the 37-year-old Stone, who told reporters that the encouraging words she had heard from friends about her performance in Yorgos Lanthimos’ Bugonia was just the push she needed to turn in her name tag and waist apron. “I gave my manager my two weeks, so that’s that, I guess. In just half a month, I’ll be pursuing acting full-time. Wow, that’s so crazy to say out loud. I’m a little sad to be leaving this place. I was beyond thankful when [owners] Ralph and Mary [Lowery] let me go down to part-time after my second Oscar. I’ll miss them and all my regulars.” Stone added that if the “whole acting thing” didn’t work out, it was comforting to know she could always fall back on her service industry skills.

Grandma Aired Out In Yard

2026-06-29T05:00:00+00:00

ZANESVILLE, OH—Noting that her stink had begun clinging to furniture, clothes, and anyone who hugged her for more than a couple of seconds, family members of local grandmother Phyllis Hargrave confirmed Thursday that they had set the 89-year-old on a lawn chair in the yard to air her out. “Yeah, Granny was starting to reek, so we’re hoping a few hours in the breeze might make her a little more bearable to be around,” said granddaughter Ashley Hargrave, who added that the elderly woman’s twice-a-week showers were just no longer enough to tamp down the combined odor of her beauty products, medicinal ointments, and natural bodily stench, necessitating that she be moved outdoors for a while so the family could Febreze her favorite chair and wash the funk out of her bedding. “We’ve got all the windows open, scented candles burning, but we still keep getting whiffs of her. Sadly, our grandma’s just at that age where she’s starting to turn rancid,” she continued. “The stagnant odor hits you right when you walk in the house. Pretty gross.” At press time, the family had reportedly determined that Phyllis was still too pungent to reintroduce into the home and opted to leave her outside overnight.

Nation Decides Baseball Too Fast Now

2026-06-29T05:00:00+00:00

NEW YORK—Just a few years after Major League Baseball introduced sweeping pace-of-play reforms intended to make the sport more compelling, a stressed-out nation confirmed Thursday that baseball games had now become much too fast. “Jesus Christ, everything’s happening so fast I can’t even keep track of it—let us catch our breath!” Reds fan Aaron Cartwright said as he scrambled to down a beer and a hot dog during a recent home game in his native Cincinnati, echoing a belief shared by millions of Americans that the pitch clock had transformed his experience from leisurely afternoon-long day-drinking sessions into “frantic, headache-inducing sprints” without any of the dead time or sense of listlessness that once made baseball great. “If I wanted fast-paced, nonstop action, I’d just watch hockey or something. That’s not what baseball’s for. How are you supposed to attract a new generation of fans if kids no longer have four-hour stretches to just sit there and soak up the whole gist of the sport? This shit is un-American!” In response to the growing backlash, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred released a statement reminding fans that while games are faster now, there’s as little happening in them as ever.

Drone Network Used To Smuggle Contraband Into Prisons

2026-06-29T05:00:00+00:00

The FBI announced charges alleging that a sophisticated network of drones were used to deliver weapons, cell phones, and drugs into 10 federal prisons. What do you think?

“Love seeing inmates apply themselves and learn technical skills.”
Lou Ayers, Beet Juicer

“It’s so nice to get a shiv delivered without having to talk to a human.”
Cat Texeira, Systems Analyst

“I can’t believe they fit all that in a drone’s ass.”
Troy Rutley, Festivities Coordinator

‘The Bear’ Ends With Continuous 45-Minute Shot Of Carmy Screaming While Stirring Tomato Sauce

2026-06-26T11:14:41+00:00

CHICAGO—Stunning longtime fans with its climactic conclusion, FX series The Bear reportedly ended Friday with a continuous 45-minute shot of protagonist Carmy screaming while stirring tomato sauce. “After so many tense scenes and multifaceted characters, I’m glad we could provide the perfect finale to this show that I know the fans will love,” said star Jeremy Allen White, who noted that the single, unbroken take of his character splashing marinara all over the kitchen floor while shouting “Cousin!” repeatedly for three quarters of an hour was the only way the series could possible have ended. “[Carmy] was actually supposed to undergo a touching moment of character growth where he decides to give up cooking entirely, but when we got on set, I just improvised a long, high-pitched screech while stirring faster and faster, and the whole team agreed it perfectly encapsulated the story we had built.” At press time, longtime fans of the series had taken to social media to debate whether or not the finale’s abrupt cut to black alluded to Carmy continuing to stir the spaghetti sauce further.

Prize Hog Drops Out Of Great American State Fair Due To Event’s Political Nature

2026-06-26T11:06:53+00:00

WASHINGTON—Expressing concerns about the charged, inflammatory rhetoric used to promote the 16-day exposition, local prize hog Benny “Big Bones”Carmichael announced Friday that he would be dropping out of the Great American State Fair due to the event’s political nature. “After carefully reviewing the circumstances under which the Freedom 250 festivities are taking place, I must respectfully decline the president’s invitation to perform,” wrote Carmichael in a post to his Instagram followers, adding that he had been “misled” about the celebration’s nonpartisan tone and could not in “good conscience” associate his name, likeness, and award-winning weight with the project. “Hog competitions are one of the last bastions of civility in our increasingly divided nation, and I won’t risk alienating large portions of the swine show community by participating in an ideologically driven event. Every American, regardless of their views, should feel comfortable watching me roll around in mud and walk around the ring. To stay true to my values, I must say no to this offer.” Carmichael added that he would immediately return his advance of 4,000 acorns to the fair organizers.

German World Cup Fan Can’t Believe How Different Real U.S. Is From Depiction In Pixar’s ‘Cars’

2026-06-26T10:14:21+00:00

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Admitting that the vast gulf between media depictions and reality had come as a total shock, German World Cup fan Fabian Lindemann told reporters Friday that he could not believe how different the real United States was from the country’s depiction in the 2006 Pixar film Cars. “It’s so crazy to spend several weeks in America and not encounter a single talking car with huge eyes and a long tongue. It’s completely different from how I imagined this country growing up in Germany and watching movies that depict America as a humanity-free nation dominated by sentient cars whose windshields are eyes,” said the 32-year-old Hamburg native, who also noted that he had found it completely disorienting to walk down the streets of several major U.S. cities without encountering a single tow truck with buck teeth speaking in a Southern accent or an RV whose grille was a mustache and whose wheels were its hands, and how unnatural it felt to see human drivers inside of cars that didn’t move around of their own free will or fall in love with each other. “At this point I have been in several American stadiums to watch the football matches, and most of the American spectators have been humans instead of cars. This whole World Cup experience has taught me that you can’t just get off an airplane in the U.S. and expect to meet Lightning McQueen and Mater. In fact, contrary to what Cars would have you believe, you’ll be lucky if you even find a single tractor that moos like a cow.” Lindemann added that he was surprised that the only talking car he had encountered during his time in the U.S., a foul-mouthed sedan with a heart of gold, was actually a visiting fan from Senegal.

DC Fans Claim Dog From ‘Supergirl’ Not Even Hot

2026-06-26T09:26:31+00:00

SAN FRANCISCO—Claiming that the character would have been depicted as a titillating working breed if it weren’t for the “woke mob,” DC fans reportedly flocked to social media Friday to blast the dog from Supergirl as not even hot. “It’s hard to believe anyone finds this attractive,” wrote 25-year-old Evan Marsh in response to a photo of the computer-generated dog posted on Reddit, echoing the sentiments of hundreds of other likeminded fans in the forum who felt that the flying mutt was much more alluring in the comics. “Krypto the Superdog is canonically a total smokeshow, but this thing is a five out of 10, tops. Sure, I’d fuck it once or twice—but we’d never date, at least not publicly. Do the filmmakers really think I’m going to shell out my hard-earned cash to see such an average-looking dog?” Marsh also complained that Hollywood really should have learned from Air Bud that it takes raw sex appeal sells tickets.

All Mets Fan Asking For Is One Fucking Season Where Team Wins Every Single Game

2026-06-26T09:23:22+00:00

FLUSHING, NY—Asserting that it was the least the franchise could do to reward the loyal fanbase that had stuck with the team through so many ups and downs, local Mets fan Paul Sutera told reporters Friday that all he was asking for was one fucking season where they win every single game they play. “I’m not sure if it’s a coaching problem or mostly the players’ fault, but would it kill these goddamn deadbeats to go 162-0 once in their fucking lives?” asked the 42-year-old diehard, adding that it didn’t seem unreasonable to expect the Mets to get their shit together for once and string together a few months of baseball where they win every game by a huge margin, every pitcher throws multiple no-hitters, and they never once disappoint him in any way. “I mean, I’m not asking for the world here! I’ve been rooting for these bums since I was 4 years old, and I literally want one simple thing: for the Mets to just walk onto the field, hit 30 or 40 home runs every game, strike out all 27 opposing batters, play flawless defense, and never lose even one time—oh, and also win the World Series in four games with a combined score of 300-0. The fact that they can’t even be bothered to do that just shows they don’t give a shit about their fans.” At press time, Sutera conceded that he would be okay with the Mets losing eight or nine games each season as long as they won every World Series for the next 50 years.

A Sneak Peek At Taylor Swift’s Wedding

2026-06-26T05:00:00+00:00

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce are reportedly tying the knot this summer. The Onion shares everything we know about the big day so far.

THE DRESS

Inspired by Swift’s love of Elizabeth Taylor, the custom gown will be embellished with over 30 of the legendary actress’s teeth

THE VENUE

New York City, with overflow seating in
Rhode Island

THE DATE

In homage to Taylor Swift’s favorite number, the ceremony will take place on 13/13/13

THE THEME

Taylor Swift

SOMETHING BLUE

Travis Kelce’s tongue after getting into the Jolly Rancher bowl

THE GROOM’S ATTIRE

The groom will be wearing a bucket hat designed by Vera Wang

RING BEARER

The congregation will be charmed as Swift’s private jet adorably taxis the rings down the aisle

THE CAKE

Plain Costco sheet cake

GUEST ETIQUETTE

The bride has firmly requested no sack tapping

GIFTS

In lieu of presents, the couple asks that guests sue Scooter Braun

REHEARSAL DINNER

For ease of comprehension, the rehearsal dinner has been renamed the scrimmage dinner

THE PHOTOGRAPHER

TMZ

VOWS

Both Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce will recite vows written by Taylor Swift

THE GIANT ICE SCULPTURE OF A T-REX

A compromise

THE FAVORS

A bunch of the Target-exclusive vinyls that didn’t end up selling

Study: Mosquitos More Attracted To People Branded With Mosquito God’s Rune Of Punishment

2026-06-26T05:00:00+00:00

NEW YORK CITY—Touting the discovery as a breakthrough in understanding the behavioral patterns of the insects, Rockefeller University researchers published a study Friday revealing that mosquitos are more attracted to people branded with the Mosquito God’s rune of punishment. “After several rounds of clinical trials with a control group, we can confirm that anyone marked by the imprint of suffering from Ranggnarr, The God of Mosquitos, is far more likely to be bitten by the insect deity’s loyal worshippers,” said Entomology Department Head Marcus Falwell, advising Americans who plan on spending time outdoors to cover any exposed skin that was singed with righteous flames by the Supreme Winged Being as penance for crimes against mosquito-kind. “We have found that the bright colors emanating from the ominous glow of the rune will transform people into mosquito magnets, causing a primal force inside the pests to compel them to torment the branded subjects on behalf of their ancestor’s suffering during the Dreadful Squashing.” Falwell also cautioned anyone who worshipped false mosquito idols during the last equinox to wear long sleeves as a precautionary measure.

Travis Kelce Utters 2 Syllables Of Wedding Venue Name Before Tranq Dart Strikes Neck

2026-06-26T05:00:00+00:00

Political Profile: Ken Paxton

2026-06-26T05:00:00+00:00

Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton (R) will be facing James Talarico (D) in the race for a U.S. Senate seat this November. Here’s everything you need to know about the Republican candidate.

Angle Of Smirk: 34 degrees

Signature Style: Rushing to put belt back on

Campaign Slogan: “Come Alone With Small, Unmarked Bills”

Position On Pedophilia: Moderate

Good Side: Neither

Political Goals: Not going to prison

Favorite Exercise: Shaking fist at unwed mothers

Most Embarrassing Moment: Forgetting who was bribing who in middle of exchange

What He’ll Do If He Loses: Sue the voters

World’s Oldest Soccer Ball On Display In Miami

2026-06-26T05:00:00+00:00

The oldest soccer ball in the world, believed to be 500 years old, will be on display for the first time in the United States, traveling all the way to Miami from Scotland. What do you think?

“Cool, I’ll check it out if everything else in Miami is closed.”
Silas Wu, Safe Locker

“An artifact of this age and importance should only be kicked by highly trained curators.”
Eddie Razavi, Taco Assembler

“To think that Pope Clement VII may have scored on Suleiman the Magnificent with that very ball.”
Isabel Kesgin, Unemployed

Boy Quietly Turns All Toys Toward Wall After Watching ‘Toy Story’ For First Time

2026-06-26T05:00:00+00:00