{"version": "https://jsonfeed.org/version/1.1", "title": "\u0447\u0443\u0448\u044c2", "feed_url": "https://theonion.com/", "home_page_url": "74", "description": "The Onion", "icon": null, "favicon": null, "authors": [{"name": "Unknown", "url": null, "avatar": null}], "language": null, "expired": null, "hub": null, "items": [{"id": "https://theonion.com/wifes-muscular-sidepiece-challenged-to-battle-of-wits/", "url": "https://theonion.com/wifes-muscular-sidepiece-challenged-to-battle-of-wits/", "external_url": null, "title": "Wife\u2019s Muscular Sidepiece Challenged To Battle Of Wits", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

DAYTON, OH\u2014Jeering that the other man\u2019s chiseled physique would offer little aid in their upcoming confrontation, local intellectual Kenneth Dufresne reportedly challenged his wife\u2019s muscular sidepiece to a battle of wits Friday. \u201cYour hypertrophied pectorals may have momentarily swayed Veronica from the path of marital fidelity, but let\u2019s see how you fare when not your body but your mind is put to the test!\u201d Dufresne said to the completely shredded personal trainer, adding that his romantic rival would have little hope of retaining his wife\u2019s interest when forced to compete in the arena of logic puzzles, mental math, and Star Wars trivia. \u201cYour sculpted Adonis belt won\u2019t save you from the cerebral shellacking you’re about to endure. A quick preview of what you\u2019re up against: 3.14159265358979323846. Yes, it\u2019s time for me to cast off the cuckold\u2019s horns and restore brains to their rightful place above brawn. Perhaps next time you\u2019ll think harder before intruding upon the marriage of a certified Mensan.\u201d At press time, witnesses reported hearing a triumphant Dufresne yelling to his rival through a window that abandoning their contest in order to fuck his wife counted as a forfeit.

", "summary": "

DAYTON, OH\u2014Jeering that the other man\u2019s chiseled physique would offer little aid in their upcoming confrontation, local intellectual Kenneth Dufresne reportedly challenged his wife\u2019s muscular sidepiece to a battle of wits Friday. \u201cYour hypertrophied pectorals may have momentarily swayed Veronica from the path of marital fidelity, but let\u2019s see how you fare when not your body but your mind is put to the test!\u201d Dufresne said to the completely shredded personal trainer, adding that his romantic rival would have little hope of retaining his wife\u2019s interest when forced to compete in the arena of logic puzzles, mental math, and Star Wars trivia. \u201cYour sculpted Adonis belt won\u2019t save you from the cerebral shellacking you’re about to endure. A quick preview of what you\u2019re up against: 3.14159265358979323846. Yes, it\u2019s time for me to cast off the cuckold\u2019s horns and restore brains to their rightful place above brawn. Perhaps next time you\u2019ll think harder before intruding upon the marriage of a certified Mensan.\u201d At press time, witnesses reported hearing a triumphant Dufresne yelling to his rival through a window that abandoning their contest in order to fuck his wife counted as a forfeit.

", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-17T05:00:00Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-17T05:00:00Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}, {"id": "https://theonion.com/man-resents-home-run-for-making-him-pause-eating-clap/", "url": "https://theonion.com/man-resents-home-run-for-making-him-pause-eating-clap/", "external_url": null, "title": "Man Resents Home Run For Making Him Pause Eating, Clap", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

KANSAS CITY, MO\u2014Audibly groaning as everyone around him rose to their feet, local baseball fan Mark Girma told reporters Friday that he resented a fourth-inning home run for making him pause eating so he could clap. \u201cOh, for Christ\u2019s sake, now?\u201d said Girma, who had reportedly just squeezed his way down his row following a 25-minute concessions ordeal and was balancing a hot dog, a cup of fries, and a large beer on his lap when Kansas City Royals left fielder Isaac Collins launched a solo shot into the bleachers. \u201cI thought I was safe\u2014the guy\u2019s hitting .240 with five homers all year. Figured it was a good time to eat. But now I look like an asshole because I\u2019m the only one in the section who isn\u2019t standing, and I\u2019m trying to clap while clutching a napkin in my left hand, and the fries are sliding off my leg, and I got ketchup on my wrist, and I\u2019m gripping the beer cup with my teeth. Oh, God, what a disaster. I fucking hate baseball.\u201d At press time, Girma was reportedly quietly hoping for a double play so the inning would end and he could safely resume eating without risk of further chaos.

", "summary": "

KANSAS CITY, MO\u2014Audibly groaning as everyone around him rose to their feet, local baseball fan Mark Girma told reporters Friday that he resented a fourth-inning home run for making him pause eating so he could clap. \u201cOh, for Christ\u2019s sake, now?\u201d said Girma, who had reportedly just squeezed his way down his row following a 25-minute concessions ordeal and was balancing a hot dog, a cup of fries, and a large beer on his lap when Kansas City Royals left fielder Isaac Collins launched a solo shot into the bleachers. \u201cI thought I was safe\u2014the guy\u2019s hitting .240 with five homers all year. Figured it was a good time to eat. But now I look like an asshole because I\u2019m the only one in the section who isn\u2019t standing, and I\u2019m trying to clap while clutching a napkin in my left hand, and the fries are sliding off my leg, and I got ketchup on my wrist, and I\u2019m gripping the beer cup with my teeth. Oh, God, what a disaster. I fucking hate baseball.\u201d At press time, Girma was reportedly quietly hoping for a double play so the inning would end and he could safely resume eating without risk of further chaos.

", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-17T05:00:00Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-17T05:00:00Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}, {"id": "https://theonion.com/bat-wielding-christopher-nolan-confronts-man-using-bathroom-during-the-odyssey/", "url": "https://theonion.com/bat-wielding-christopher-nolan-confronts-man-using-bathroom-during-the-odyssey/", "external_url": null, "title": "Bat-Wielding Christopher Nolan Confronts Man Using Bathroom During \u2018The Odyssey\u2019", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

LOS ANGELES\u2014Bursting through the stall door with a baseball bat hoisted over his head, director Christopher Nolan reportedly confronted moviegoer Luke Dias on Friday for using the bathroom during The Odyssey. \u201cYou just couldn\u2019t hold it, could you?\u201d the Oscar-winning filmmaker said as he kicked his victim off the toilet seat and delivered a violent swing that shattered the porcelain stool. \u201cDo you know what kind of incredible IMAX footage you\u2019re missing right now? All because you just had to suck down a giant Icee during the previews? Well, I\u2019m glad you like being in the bathroom so much, because you\u2019re not leaving here until I\u2019m through with you. I don\u2019t care that it\u2019s your third time seeing it\u2014thanks to your lack of respect, you\u2019re going to be eating your Sno-Caps through a tube from now on. Shame! Shame on you!\u201d Nolan was later seen standing over the cowering fan and screaming, \u201cAnd you call yourself an AMC Stubs A-List member?!\u201d

", "summary": "

LOS ANGELES\u2014Bursting through the stall door with a baseball bat hoisted over his head, director Christopher Nolan reportedly confronted moviegoer Luke Dias on Friday for using the bathroom during The Odyssey. \u201cYou just couldn\u2019t hold it, could you?\u201d the Oscar-winning filmmaker said as he kicked his victim off the toilet seat and delivered a violent swing that shattered the porcelain stool. \u201cDo you know what kind of incredible IMAX footage you\u2019re missing right now? All because you just had to suck down a giant Icee during the previews? Well, I\u2019m glad you like being in the bathroom so much, because you\u2019re not leaving here until I\u2019m through with you. I don\u2019t care that it\u2019s your third time seeing it\u2014thanks to your lack of respect, you\u2019re going to be eating your Sno-Caps through a tube from now on. Shame! Shame on you!\u201d Nolan was later seen standing over the cowering fan and screaming, \u201cAnd you call yourself an AMC Stubs A-List member?!\u201d

", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-17T05:00:00Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-17T05:00:00Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}, {"id": "https://theonion.com/fan-clearly-drowning-in-diamondbacks-pool/", "url": "https://theonion.com/fan-clearly-drowning-in-diamondbacks-pool/", "external_url": null, "title": "Fan Clearly Drowning In Diamondbacks Pool", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

", "summary": "

", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-17T05:00:00Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-17T05:00:00Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}, {"id": "https://theonion.com/man-who-bought-odyssey-ticket-year-ahead-correctly-assumed-he-wouldnt-have-anything-going-on/", "url": "https://theonion.com/man-who-bought-odyssey-ticket-year-ahead-correctly-assumed-he-wouldnt-have-anything-going-on/", "external_url": null, "title": "Man Who Bought \u2018Odyssey\u2019 Ticket Year Ahead Correctly Assumed He Wouldn\u2019t Have Anything Going On", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

", "summary": "

", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-17T05:00:00Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-17T05:00:00Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}, {"id": "https://theonion.com/mitch-mcconnell-clarifies-absence-due-to-brief-planned-trip-to-afterlife/", "url": "https://theonion.com/mitch-mcconnell-clarifies-absence-due-to-brief-planned-trip-to-afterlife/", "external_url": null, "title": "Mitch McConnell Clarifies Absence Due To Brief Planned Trip To Afterlife", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

WASHINGTON\u2014Explaining that the public had no reason to be alarmed over his temporary leave, Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) clarified Friday that his absence from Congress was due to a brief planned trip to the afterlife. \u201cWhile I understand people\u2019s concern, I’ve simply been on a routine visit to the next world,\u201d said the seven-term Republican, who added that he\u00a0had participated in similar diplomatic trips several times this year, establishing connections with key dignitaries in the celestial plane. \u201cOver the past month,\u00a0I\u2019ve traveled extensively across the infernal region and had many fruitful talks with the Lord of Darkness.\u00a0But as much as I\u2019ve loved the depths of hell, I\u2019m excited to return to the United States and serve the American people.\u201d At press time, McConnell\u00a0said he and longtime ally Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) had established an afterlife task force to better advance U.S. interests in the spirit realm.

", "summary": "

WASHINGTON\u2014Explaining that the public had no reason to be alarmed over his temporary leave, Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) clarified Friday that his absence from Congress was due to a brief planned trip to the afterlife. \u201cWhile I understand people\u2019s concern, I’ve simply been on a routine visit to the next world,\u201d said the seven-term Republican, who added that he\u00a0had participated in similar diplomatic trips several times this year, establishing connections with key dignitaries in the celestial plane. \u201cOver the past month,\u00a0I\u2019ve traveled extensively across the infernal region and had many fruitful talks with the Lord of Darkness.\u00a0But as much as I\u2019ve loved the depths of hell, I\u2019m excited to return to the United States and serve the American people.\u201d At press time, McConnell\u00a0said he and longtime ally Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) had established an afterlife task force to better advance U.S. interests in the spirit realm.

", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-17T05:00:00Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-17T05:00:00Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}, {"id": "https://theonion.com/ai-myth-vs-fact/", "url": "https://theonion.com/ai-myth-vs-fact/", "external_url": null, "title": "AI: Myth Vs. Fact", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

A recent poll found that Americans who are concerned about artificial intelligence outnumber those who are excited about it by a margin of three to one. The Onion examines the common myths and facts surrounding AI.\u00a0

MYTH: AI can never be ethical.

FACT: Grok says it can.

MYTH: AI could discover cures for all diseases.

FACT: AI is going to keep a few of the nastier ones around in case humans get out of line.

MYTH: AI can predict the future.

FACT: That power was only available to Miss Cleo.\u00a0

MYTH: I\u2019m going to lose my job to AI.

FACT: We\u2019re still a few years away from AI models that can sell molly to high schoolers.

MYTH: AI is trained on illegally scraped data.

FACT: No data is illegal on stolen land.

", "summary": "

A recent poll found that Americans who are concerned about artificial intelligence outnumber those who are excited about it by a margin of three to one. The Onion examines the common myths and facts surrounding AI.\u00a0

MYTH: AI can never be ethical.

FACT: Grok says it can.

MYTH: AI could discover cures for all diseases.

FACT: AI is going to keep a few of the nastier ones around in case humans get out of line.

MYTH: AI can predict the future.

FACT: That power was only available to Miss Cleo.\u00a0

MYTH: I\u2019m going to lose my job to AI.

FACT: We\u2019re still a few years away from AI models that can sell molly to high schoolers.

MYTH: AI is trained on illegally scraped data.

FACT: No data is illegal on stolen land.

", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-17T05:00:00Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-17T05:00:00Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}, {"id": "https://theonion.com/argentina-recognizes-goldfish-as-sentient-beings-with-rights/", "url": "https://theonion.com/argentina-recognizes-goldfish-as-sentient-beings-with-rights/", "external_url": null, "title": "Argentina Recognizes Goldfish As Sentient Beings With Rights", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

An Argentine court recognized two goldfish rescued from a sushi restaurant aquarium in Buenos Aires as sentient beings with legal rights, marking a major milestone for animal welfare. What do you think?

\"\"

\u201cI bet they were thrilled for a few seconds.\u201d

Billy Neiderman, Appliance Collector
\"\"

\u201cThey always have the best attorneys.\u201d

Matthias Oxenham, Retired Hobbyist
\"\"

\u201cMy kids are going to jail.\u201d

Leah Barrise, Horse Photographer
", "summary": "

An Argentine court recognized two goldfish rescued from a sushi restaurant aquarium in Buenos Aires as sentient beings with legal rights, marking a major milestone for animal welfare. What do you think?

\"\"

\u201cI bet they were thrilled for a few seconds.\u201d

Billy Neiderman, Appliance Collector
\"\"

\u201cThey always have the best attorneys.\u201d

Matthias Oxenham, Retired Hobbyist
\"\"

\u201cMy kids are going to jail.\u201d

Leah Barrise, Horse Photographer
", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-17T05:00:00Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-17T05:00:00Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}, {"id": "https://theonion.com/hunt-for-gollum-director-andy-serkis-defends-films-all-andy-serkis-cast/", "url": "https://theonion.com/hunt-for-gollum-director-andy-serkis-defends-films-all-andy-serkis-cast/", "external_url": null, "title": "\u2018Hunt For Gollum\u2019 Director Andy Serkis Defends Film\u2019s All\u2013Andy Serkis Cast", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

LONDON\u2014Responding to concerns about the lack of diversity in his upcoming project,\u00a0The Lord Of The Rings: The Hunt For Gollum\u00a0director Andy Serkis defended the film\u2019s all\u2013Andy Serkis cast during an interview Friday. \u201cIt isn\u2019t my fault that the characters in the books are all Andy Serkis,\u201d said filmmaker and actor Andy Serkis, adding that Andy Serkis was the right person for every role in the new\u00a0Lord Of The Rings\u00a0movie, and at the end of the day, that was what really mattered. \u201cThis is just how Middle-earth is. It’s a very Serkian place. Frodo, Gandalf, the Elves\u2014those are all me, and I\u2019m not going to cast people other than me just to tick boxes. J.R.R. Tolkien himself was inspired by Norse mythology, and those stories were absolutely full of 62-year old men who voiced Caesar in the\u00a0Planet Of The Apes\u00a0reboot.\u201d In response to the diversity concerns, Fox News has praised Serkis for rejecting the politically correct status quo of casting anyone but Andy Serkis.

", "summary": "

LONDON\u2014Responding to concerns about the lack of diversity in his upcoming project,\u00a0The Lord Of The Rings: The Hunt For Gollum\u00a0director Andy Serkis defended the film\u2019s all\u2013Andy Serkis cast during an interview Friday. \u201cIt isn\u2019t my fault that the characters in the books are all Andy Serkis,\u201d said filmmaker and actor Andy Serkis, adding that Andy Serkis was the right person for every role in the new\u00a0Lord Of The Rings\u00a0movie, and at the end of the day, that was what really mattered. \u201cThis is just how Middle-earth is. It’s a very Serkian place. Frodo, Gandalf, the Elves\u2014those are all me, and I\u2019m not going to cast people other than me just to tick boxes. J.R.R. Tolkien himself was inspired by Norse mythology, and those stories were absolutely full of 62-year old men who voiced Caesar in the\u00a0Planet Of The Apes\u00a0reboot.\u201d In response to the diversity concerns, Fox News has praised Serkis for rejecting the politically correct status quo of casting anyone but Andy Serkis.

", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-17T04:35:09Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-17T04:35:09Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}, {"id": "https://theonion.com/female-supreme-court-justices-formally-request-protection-from-brett-kavanaugh/", "url": "https://theonion.com/female-supreme-court-justices-formally-request-protection-from-brett-kavanaugh/", "external_url": null, "title": "Female Supreme Court Justices Formally Request Protection From Brett Kavanaugh", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

WASHINGTON\u2014Acknowledging that the danger would be difficult to manage and impossible to eliminate altogether, the\u00a0Supreme Court’s female justices nevertheless appeared before Congress this week to ask for protection from fellow justice Brett Kavanaugh. “We understand that our safety cannot be guaranteed, but we are in a uniquely vulnerable position and have the right to carry out our duties without worrying that we’ll turn a corner one day and find Brett Kavanaugh standing there in the hallway,” said\u00a0Justice Amy Coney Barrett,\u00a0adding that she recently had to explain to her teenage children why she was forced to wear extra layers of baggy, shapeless shirts at work.\u00a0“While we realize that posting security in every corridor and meeting room of the Supreme Court building could cost taxpayers millions of dollars, we can’t ignore the threat of Justice Kavanaugh, which has skyrocketed since 2018 and shows no sign of slowing down. By the time I step into an elevator with him inside it, it’ll be too late.” Barrett went on to say, however, that outside the security appropriation, Congress should stay out of Supreme Court affairs except to unethically appoint conservative justices.

", "summary": "

WASHINGTON\u2014Acknowledging that the danger would be difficult to manage and impossible to eliminate altogether, the\u00a0Supreme Court’s female justices nevertheless appeared before Congress this week to ask for protection from fellow justice Brett Kavanaugh. “We understand that our safety cannot be guaranteed, but we are in a uniquely vulnerable position and have the right to carry out our duties without worrying that we’ll turn a corner one day and find Brett Kavanaugh standing there in the hallway,” said\u00a0Justice Amy Coney Barrett,\u00a0adding that she recently had to explain to her teenage children why she was forced to wear extra layers of baggy, shapeless shirts at work.\u00a0“While we realize that posting security in every corridor and meeting room of the Supreme Court building could cost taxpayers millions of dollars, we can’t ignore the threat of Justice Kavanaugh, which has skyrocketed since 2018 and shows no sign of slowing down. By the time I step into an elevator with him inside it, it’ll be too late.” Barrett went on to say, however, that outside the security appropriation, Congress should stay out of Supreme Court affairs except to unethically appoint conservative justices.

", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-16T12:35:34Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-16T12:35:34Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}, {"id": "https://theonion.com/moms-remembrance-of-sam-neill-takes-lewd-turn/", "url": "https://theonion.com/moms-remembrance-of-sam-neill-takes-lewd-turn/", "external_url": null, "title": "Mom\u2019s Remembrance Of Sam Neill Takes Lewd Turn", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

GAINESVILLE, FL\u2014Alarmed and disturbed by the sudden shift in tone, living room sources confirmed Thursday that local mother Jeanine Weaver\u2019s remembrance of Sam Neill had taken a lewd turn. \u201cHe was a terrific actor, one of my favorites to watch\u2014and mm, mm, what a man he was,\u201d said the 62-year-old woman who got a faraway look in her eyes that suggested to sources that Weaver had forgotten they were even standing in the same room. \u201cI\u2019ll never forget the first time I saw Jurassic Park, or how it made me feel. I used to rewind that VHS tape again and again. Yes, yes. He knew what he was doing, strutting around in that little hat. You know, I always thought your father looked a bit like Sam Neill.\u201d At press time, Weaver had retreated to her bedroom to rewatch Jurassic Park alone.

", "summary": "

GAINESVILLE, FL\u2014Alarmed and disturbed by the sudden shift in tone, living room sources confirmed Thursday that local mother Jeanine Weaver\u2019s remembrance of Sam Neill had taken a lewd turn. \u201cHe was a terrific actor, one of my favorites to watch\u2014and mm, mm, what a man he was,\u201d said the 62-year-old woman who got a faraway look in her eyes that suggested to sources that Weaver had forgotten they were even standing in the same room. \u201cI\u2019ll never forget the first time I saw Jurassic Park, or how it made me feel. I used to rewind that VHS tape again and again. Yes, yes. He knew what he was doing, strutting around in that little hat. You know, I always thought your father looked a bit like Sam Neill.\u201d At press time, Weaver had retreated to her bedroom to rewatch Jurassic Park alone.

", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-16T12:30:41Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-16T12:30:41Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}, {"id": "https://theonion.com/u-s-military-to-test-troops-testosterone-levels/", "url": "https://theonion.com/u-s-military-to-test-troops-testosterone-levels/", "external_url": null, "title": "U.S. Military To Test Troops\u2019 Testosterone Levels", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced a new policy to test testosterone levels of service members aged 30 and above as part of their annual health assessment, with medical teams recommending hormone therapy for those found to be deficient. What do you think?

\"\"

\u201cBad news for the 82nd Eunuch Division.\u201d

Britt Kravitz, Oven Tester
\"\"

\u201cThey should also consider providing troops with hair transplants and buccal fat removal.\u201d

Owen Maselli, Unemployed
\"\"

\u201cYet my \u2018mandatory stool tests for mailmen\u2019 idea went nowhere.\u201d

Niles Fishbein, Flag Waver
", "summary": "

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced a new policy to test testosterone levels of service members aged 30 and above as part of their annual health assessment, with medical teams recommending hormone therapy for those found to be deficient. What do you think?

\"\"

\u201cBad news for the 82nd Eunuch Division.\u201d

Britt Kravitz, Oven Tester
\"\"

\u201cThey should also consider providing troops with hair transplants and buccal fat removal.\u201d

Owen Maselli, Unemployed
\"\"

\u201cYet my \u2018mandatory stool tests for mailmen\u2019 idea went nowhere.\u201d

Niles Fishbein, Flag Waver
", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-16T12:26:20Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-16T12:26:20Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}, {"id": "https://theonion.com/cyclosporiasis-outbreak-linked-to-ancient-evil-corrupting-the-7-sacred-diarrhea-crystals/", "url": "https://theonion.com/cyclosporiasis-outbreak-linked-to-ancient-evil-corrupting-the-7-sacred-diarrhea-crystals/", "external_url": null, "title": "Cyclosporiasis Outbreak Linked To Ancient Evil Corrupting The 7 Sacred Diarrhea Crystals", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

ATLANTA\u2014Claiming they had definitively identified the source of the ongoing surge in foodborne illness, Centers for Disease Control officials issued a statement Thursday linking the nation\u2019s cyclosporiasis outbreak to an ancient evil corrupting the Seven Sacred Diarrhea Crystals. \u201cAfter extensive laboratory testing and data analysis, our epidemiologists have determined that the current outbreak of cyclospora infections was caused by the dark sorcerer Valnos escaping from the Prism of Binding and subsequently plunging the sacred crystals that govern the flow of diarrhea through our lands into chaos and disharmony,\u201d said acting CDC head Jay Bhattacharya, adding that residents in the states of Michigan and New York should avoid consuming bagged\u00a0salads until Valnos\u2019 corruption has been purged from the Sacred Diarrhea Crystals with the Blade of Destined Digestion. \u201cOur response team has already purified the Crystal of Looseness deep within the forests of the Stoolwood, and we\u2019re close to reaching the Crystal of Wateriness in the sunken temple beneath Lake Shartoa and the Crystal of Burning within the fiery crater atop Squirtfire Peak. We\u2019re troubled by reports that Valnos is personally guarding the most powerful of the diarrhea crystals\u2014the Crystal of Blood\u2014within his sanctum at Fort Explosia, but we remain confident that a public health expert of pure colon and indomitable will shall rise up to defeat him and restore order to diarrhea, as was prophesied eons ago in the Great Age of Excreta.\u201d At press time, Bhattacharya urged Americans to continue washing their produce until one with the power of all seven crystals sat upon the Throne of Voiding and banished Valnos and his legions of cyclospora forever using their heart\u2019s sincerest wish.

", "summary": "

ATLANTA\u2014Claiming they had definitively identified the source of the ongoing surge in foodborne illness, Centers for Disease Control officials issued a statement Thursday linking the nation\u2019s cyclosporiasis outbreak to an ancient evil corrupting the Seven Sacred Diarrhea Crystals. \u201cAfter extensive laboratory testing and data analysis, our epidemiologists have determined that the current outbreak of cyclospora infections was caused by the dark sorcerer Valnos escaping from the Prism of Binding and subsequently plunging the sacred crystals that govern the flow of diarrhea through our lands into chaos and disharmony,\u201d said acting CDC head Jay Bhattacharya, adding that residents in the states of Michigan and New York should avoid consuming bagged\u00a0salads until Valnos\u2019 corruption has been purged from the Sacred Diarrhea Crystals with the Blade of Destined Digestion. \u201cOur response team has already purified the Crystal of Looseness deep within the forests of the Stoolwood, and we\u2019re close to reaching the Crystal of Wateriness in the sunken temple beneath Lake Shartoa and the Crystal of Burning within the fiery crater atop Squirtfire Peak. We\u2019re troubled by reports that Valnos is personally guarding the most powerful of the diarrhea crystals\u2014the Crystal of Blood\u2014within his sanctum at Fort Explosia, but we remain confident that a public health expert of pure colon and indomitable will shall rise up to defeat him and restore order to diarrhea, as was prophesied eons ago in the Great Age of Excreta.\u201d At press time, Bhattacharya urged Americans to continue washing their produce until one with the power of all seven crystals sat upon the Throne of Voiding and banished Valnos and his legions of cyclospora forever using their heart\u2019s sincerest wish.

", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-16T08:52:43Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-16T08:52:43Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}, {"id": "https://theonion.com/what-to-know-about-cyclosporiasis/", "url": "https://theonion.com/what-to-know-about-cyclosporiasis/", "external_url": null, "title": "What To Know About Cyclosporiasis", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

Cases of cyclosporiasis, a parasitic infection that can cause \u201cexplosive diarrhea,\u201d have been reported in at least 34 states. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the illness.

Q: Who is most at risk?

A: Children, the elderly, and poor fuckers who\u2019ve already used all their sick days.

Q: Why is it called \u201cexplosive\u201d diarrhea?

A: Extensive focus group testing.

Q: How many cases have been recorded?

A: Oh, the CDC doesn’t do that anymore.

Q: How can I tell if I have cyclosporiasis?

A: You know there are exactly 36 tiles on your bathroom floor.

Q: How is cyclosporiasis treated?

A: With a large cork and plenty of prayer.

Q: How do I keep myself safe?

A: Let all your compulsions and neuroses take over your life again.

", "summary": "

Cases of cyclosporiasis, a parasitic infection that can cause \u201cexplosive diarrhea,\u201d have been reported in at least 34 states. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the illness.

Q: Who is most at risk?

A: Children, the elderly, and poor fuckers who\u2019ve already used all their sick days.

Q: Why is it called \u201cexplosive\u201d diarrhea?

A: Extensive focus group testing.

Q: How many cases have been recorded?

A: Oh, the CDC doesn’t do that anymore.

Q: How can I tell if I have cyclosporiasis?

A: You know there are exactly 36 tiles on your bathroom floor.

Q: How is cyclosporiasis treated?

A: With a large cork and plenty of prayer.

Q: How do I keep myself safe?

A: Let all your compulsions and neuroses take over your life again.

", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-16T06:41:47Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-16T06:41:47Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}, {"id": "https://theonion.com/public-begs-mitch-mcconnell-to-stop-releasing-photos-of-himself/", "url": "https://theonion.com/public-begs-mitch-mcconnell-to-stop-releasing-photos-of-himself/", "external_url": null, "title": "Public Begs Mitch McConnell To Stop Releasing Photos Of Himself", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

WASHINGTON\u2014In an emotional press conference driven by fear and desperation, the American public begged Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) on Thursday to stop releasing photos of himself. \u201cIf you\u2019re listening, Sen. McConnell, please\u2014we\u2019ve had enough,\u201d said a spokesperson for 340 million Americans across the country, who emphasized that they didn\u2019t want to see the Republican lawmaker from a different angle, and they didn\u2019t want any videos, either.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s okay if you\u2019re alive. It\u2019s okay if you\u2019re dead. We\u2019d rather just embrace the mystery, do you hear us? If we want another photo of you, we\u2019ll ask, though that\u2019s unlikely to happen. Also, please, no photos of your wife.” At press time, the American public had suggested that the office of Mitch McConnell release some photos of the delightful Shawn Hatosy as Dr. Jack Abbot.

", "summary": "

WASHINGTON\u2014In an emotional press conference driven by fear and desperation, the American public begged Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) on Thursday to stop releasing photos of himself. \u201cIf you\u2019re listening, Sen. McConnell, please\u2014we\u2019ve had enough,\u201d said a spokesperson for 340 million Americans across the country, who emphasized that they didn\u2019t want to see the Republican lawmaker from a different angle, and they didn\u2019t want any videos, either.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s okay if you\u2019re alive. It\u2019s okay if you\u2019re dead. We\u2019d rather just embrace the mystery, do you hear us? If we want another photo of you, we\u2019ll ask, though that\u2019s unlikely to happen. Also, please, no photos of your wife.” At press time, the American public had suggested that the office of Mitch McConnell release some photos of the delightful Shawn Hatosy as Dr. Jack Abbot.

", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-16T06:38:37Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-16T06:38:37Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}, {"id": "https://theonion.com/riot-police-excitedly-crouch-behind-armored-vehicle-like-group-of-3-year-olds-about-to-perform-ballet/", "url": "https://theonion.com/riot-police-excitedly-crouch-behind-armored-vehicle-like-group-of-3-year-olds-about-to-perform-ballet/", "external_url": null, "title": "Riot Police Excitedly Crouch Behind Armored Vehicle Like Group Of 3-Year-Olds About To Perform Ballet", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

LOS ANGELES\u2014Bunching together with nervous energy and dolled up in matching gear, a group of riot police crouched excitedly behind an armored vehicle like 3-year-olds about to begin a ballet recital, witnesses confirmed Thursday. Several reports indicated that the squad of body-armor-clad men giggled and poked at each other in anticipation of their signal to engage, leading their commander to shove them back into position like a frustrated dance mom. According to sources, the heavily armed riot cops smiled and waved to bystanders despite their superior officer urging them to stay focused. As they pointed to the people they were going to beat first, many got so worked up that they reportedly tripped over each other and dropped their batons when they were finally told it was “showtime.” At press time, the commander was seen begrudgingly leading one of the riot cops to a nearby bathroom after he had nervously pissed himself.

", "summary": "

LOS ANGELES\u2014Bunching together with nervous energy and dolled up in matching gear, a group of riot police crouched excitedly behind an armored vehicle like 3-year-olds about to begin a ballet recital, witnesses confirmed Thursday. Several reports indicated that the squad of body-armor-clad men giggled and poked at each other in anticipation of their signal to engage, leading their commander to shove them back into position like a frustrated dance mom. According to sources, the heavily armed riot cops smiled and waved to bystanders despite their superior officer urging them to stay focused. As they pointed to the people they were going to beat first, many got so worked up that they reportedly tripped over each other and dropped their batons when they were finally told it was “showtime.” At press time, the commander was seen begrudgingly leading one of the riot cops to a nearby bathroom after he had nervously pissed himself.

", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-16T05:00:00Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-16T05:00:00Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}, {"id": "https://theonion.com/insisting-coworker-get-to-point-somehow-slows-him-down/", "url": "https://theonion.com/insisting-coworker-get-to-point-somehow-slows-him-down/", "external_url": null, "title": "Insisting Coworker Get To Point Somehow Slows Him Down", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

", "summary": "

", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-16T05:00:00Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-16T05:00:00Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}, {"id": "https://theonion.com/madonna-accused-of-pandering-with-new-song-about-trying-to-find-available-spot-in-fire-island-share-house/", "url": "https://theonion.com/madonna-accused-of-pandering-with-new-song-about-trying-to-find-available-spot-in-fire-island-share-house/", "external_url": null, "title": "Madonna Accused Of Pandering With New Song About Trying To Find Available Spot In Fire Island Share House", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

", "summary": "

", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-16T05:00:00Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-16T05:00:00Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}, {"id": "https://theonion.com/rubio-vows-to-dismantle-international-criminal-court/", "url": "https://theonion.com/rubio-vows-to-dismantle-international-criminal-court/", "external_url": null, "title": "Rubio Vows To Dismantle International Criminal Court", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

Secretary of State Marco Rubio announced a U.S. diplomatic campaign to dismantle the International Criminal Court \u201cbrick by brick,\u201d claiming the tribunal could be used to override U.S. courts and the Constitution. What do you think?

\"\"

\u201cIgnoring them seems to be working out fine.\u201d

Steve Parkins, Spoon Polisher
\"\"

\u201cCan he bring back Night Court?\u201d

Alicia Krebs, Banner Hanger
\"\"

\u201cThe only foreigner who should be telling Americans how to live is Santa.\u201d

Greg Degutis, Systems Analyst
", "summary": "

Secretary of State Marco Rubio announced a U.S. diplomatic campaign to dismantle the International Criminal Court \u201cbrick by brick,\u201d claiming the tribunal could be used to override U.S. courts and the Constitution. What do you think?

\"\"

\u201cIgnoring them seems to be working out fine.\u201d

Steve Parkins, Spoon Polisher
\"\"

\u201cCan he bring back Night Court?\u201d

Alicia Krebs, Banner Hanger
\"\"

\u201cThe only foreigner who should be telling Americans how to live is Santa.\u201d

Greg Degutis, Systems Analyst
", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-15T07:44:00Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-15T07:44:00Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}, {"id": "https://theonion.com/barack-obama-pretends-to-be-canadian-while-traveling-abroad/", "url": "https://theonion.com/barack-obama-pretends-to-be-canadian-while-traveling-abroad/", "external_url": null, "title": "Barack Obama Pretends To Be Canadian While Traveling Abroad", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

PARIS\u2014In an effort to blend in with other tourists and avoid negative repercussions for being American, former U.S. President Barack Obama was reportedly pretending this week to be Canadian while traveling abroad in France. \u201cSorry, when I said I\u2019m from Chicago, I meant the one in Ontario,\u201d said the ex-commander-in-chief, adding that he had never been to the United States but had heard some \u201cpretty crazy things\u201d about the \u201cstuff going on down there.\u201d \u201cYeah, it sure seems like those Yanks have gone way off the deep end. I can\u2019t believe they elected that guy either. Thankfully, in Canada we have a much more sane presi\u2014 I mean, prime minister. [Mark] Carney all the way! Personally, though, I try not to think too much about politics. I\u2019m much more into hockey, Trailer Park Boys, and\u2026uh\u2026maple syrup. Also really love moose and those funny-looking policemen with the bright red uniforms and the wide brim hats. And Tim Hortons! Who doesn\u2019t love a fresh cup of coffee from Tim Hortons?\u201d At press time, sources confirmed Obama had given himself away by calling a Timbit a \u201cdonut hole.\u201d

", "summary": "

PARIS\u2014In an effort to blend in with other tourists and avoid negative repercussions for being American, former U.S. President Barack Obama was reportedly pretending this week to be Canadian while traveling abroad in France. \u201cSorry, when I said I\u2019m from Chicago, I meant the one in Ontario,\u201d said the ex-commander-in-chief, adding that he had never been to the United States but had heard some \u201cpretty crazy things\u201d about the \u201cstuff going on down there.\u201d \u201cYeah, it sure seems like those Yanks have gone way off the deep end. I can\u2019t believe they elected that guy either. Thankfully, in Canada we have a much more sane presi\u2014 I mean, prime minister. [Mark] Carney all the way! Personally, though, I try not to think too much about politics. I\u2019m much more into hockey, Trailer Park Boys, and\u2026uh\u2026maple syrup. Also really love moose and those funny-looking policemen with the bright red uniforms and the wide brim hats. And Tim Hortons! Who doesn\u2019t love a fresh cup of coffee from Tim Hortons?\u201d At press time, sources confirmed Obama had given himself away by calling a Timbit a \u201cdonut hole.\u201d

", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-15T05:00:00Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-15T05:00:00Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}]}