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DOJ Develops Pathway To Restore Gun Rights To Felons

2026-08-23T05:00:00+00:00

The Department of Justice finalized a rule that creates a path for some convicted felons to have their gun rights restored, with officials claiming those who pose a public danger could only be approved in “extraordinary circumstances.” What do you think?

“Everyone deserves a second chance to hurt people.”
Jeremy Morales, Muffin Tester

“It’s important to get felons reacquainted with civilian gunfire as soon as possible.”
Rocco Spence, Knife Polisher

“Big deal, my 3D printer can do that too.”
Summer Cruz, Cannon Restorer

Luigi Mangione Pleads Guilty

2026-08-22T05:00:00+00:00

Luigi Mangione pleaded guilty to federal stalking charges in the 2024 killing of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson, facing a maximum sentence of life in prison. What do you think?

“Great, so I sent all of those love letters to a criminal?”
Joan Piechota, Status Checker

“Hopefully this brings traumatized corporations some closure.”
Christian Neville, Retired Bassoonist

“So now I’m supposed to believe a murderer is telling the truth?”
Maxwell Kelly, Thumbtack Sharpener

Pros And Cons Of Wearing Shorts In The Office

2026-08-21T08:33:25+00:00

Whether shorts are office-appropriate attire has ignited an online debate. The Onion examines the pros and cons of wearing shorts in the office.

PRO

New scapegoat for bad quarter

Good to have full range of movement while sitting stationary for eight hours

A well-aired cog is a productive cog

Ready to attend barbecue at a moment’s notice

Makes it easy to keep track of who won’t be promoted

You only have one pair of pants

CON

Wedding vows specifically promised ankles for spouse’s enjoyment only

May encourage slacking, if not outright lollygagging

Exposes vulnerable back of knee to attacks

Death knell for formal kilts

Casual atmosphere immediately triggers all-staff fuckfest

You still work in marketing

David Attenborough Admits To Exaggerating Wonder Of Seals

2026-08-21T08:09:45+00:00

LONDON—Acknowledging that the sea mammals were far from being “awe-inspiring, beautiful creatures or a splendor of nature,” an embarrassed David Attenborough finally admitted this week to exaggerating the wonder of seals. “While I did several monologues in voiceover claiming that sea lions have a quiet majesty, they are actually just stinky, slippery wet dogs with fins that are mediocre at best,” said Attenborough, contritely confessing that he used hyperbole to mislead the public into thinking seals were worth paying any attention to at all. “Look, there’s only so many animals, not all of them are going to be winners. Calling those disgusting little gray lumps ‘one of life’s miracles’ was just me padding time until I got to talk about polar bears.” Attenborough also noted that he completely understood why people clubbed the nasty Arctic-dwelling creatures.

Men Overly Bored

2026-08-21T08:09:32+00:00

White House Doctor Claims President Has Always Been Face Drawn Onto Cantaloupe

2026-08-21T08:06:23+00:00

WASHINGTON—Dismissing public concern about the president’s health as baseless speculation, Capt. Sean Barbabella, the director of the White House Medical Unit, announced at a press conference Friday that Donald Trump has always been a face drawn onto a cantaloupe. “If you go back and look at his presidential portrait, he’s always had two dots as eyes and a big Sharpie smile right on his cantaloupe head,” said Barbabella, claiming it was a sign of good health for a president to slowly ripen over the course of his term in office. “I know people may think Trump is medically unwell, but I’m here to assure you that he does a lot of rolling for someone his age, and he still tastes just as sweet and delicious as he did in 2016. Now, as he ages, does his rind start to break down a bit? Does he have a small patch of mold? Yes, but that’s perfectly normal for anyone in his stressful position.” Barbabella also went on to note that it was customary for the president to be covered in ants.

Karaoke Outing Paints Heartbreaking Picture Of Friend Practicing Morrissey Impression Alone

2026-08-21T05:00:00+00:00

RENO, NV—Wincing as he sang in a baritone voice with a slight British accent, local woman Mary Lowe reportedly felt immense pity at a karaoke outing Thursday after she imagined her friend Matthew Brown working on his Morrissey impression alone at home. “Oh no, I can picture him practicing it all by himself in his apartment, psyching himself up to debut this little performance tonight,” said Lowe, who smiled at Brown despite the devastating mental image she confirmed he was evoking by loosely swinging one arm back and forth with his eyes focused on the ground in a melancholy gaze. “Matt is not a spontaneous person, so the gusto with which he launched into that unmistakable, Muppet-like Morrissey voice on the first note of ‘There Is A Light That Never Goes Out’ tells me that he probably watched tons of Smiths footage just to prepare for this. I can see it now—swinging his hips in front of the mirror, doing trial runs along to YouTube karaoke videos, believing this would earn him the respect and adulation of his peers. I want to cry.” At press time, sources reported the audience had fallen silent and become extremely depressed as everyone imagined Brown painstakingly studying the rapping portion of TLC’s “Waterfalls.”

Mark Zuckerberg’s Yacht Fails To Respond To Maritime Distress Call

2026-08-21T05:00:00+00:00

After a megayacht owned by Mark Zuckerberg failed to respond to a distress signal from a skiff that had run out of fuel, a spokesperson for the centibillionaire claimed his crew did not hear the call for help. What do you think?

“Hasn’t he helped the world enough?”
Nigella Howe, Sandal Innovator

“I lose my morality at sea, too.”
Matty Segura, Fabric Unraveler

“You don’t stay ultrarich with basic acts of kindness.”
Herschel Moorehouse, Barbecue Supervisor

Every Commercial On ESPN Past Midnight Just Straight-Up Telling Viewers They Have Prostate Cancer

2026-08-21T05:00:00+00:00

Boy Gets Nice Long Look At Small Of Father’s Back While He Picks Up Ping-Pong Ball

2026-08-20T10:28:56+00:00

APPLETON, WI—Wide-eyed and unusually still as he took in the unfamiliar sight before him, local 9-year-old Connor Walsh reportedly got a nice long look at the small of his father’s back Thursday while the 44-year-old bent down to retrieve a ping-pong ball that had rolled beneath a basement shelving unit. Several reports indicated that Walsh’s father let out a low groan as he reached toward the floor and exposed several inches of pasty, lightly hairy skin above the waistband of a well-worn pair of Hanes briefs, revealing two small moles, a pinkish skin tag, and a soft crease running horizontally across his lower back. Sources confirmed that the boy stared intently at the strangely vulnerable patch of his father’s body, processing with some unease that this loose, imperfect adult flesh might represent a glimpse of what his own body could look like in another 35 years. As his father remained bent over for several seconds, shifting his weight and grunting while trying to reach the ball with two fingers, Walsh reportedly experienced the rare sensation of seeing the man who usually seemed large, capable, and essentially indestructible reduced to a pale strip of back, an elastic waistband, and the physical effort required to pick something up off the floor. Sources added that although Walsh would soon carry on playing ping-pong as if nothing had happened, the image of his father’s exposed lower back would remain lodged somewhere in his mind for the rest of his life.

Tips For Getting To School Safely

2026-08-20T07:18:30+00:00

School is back in session for millions of students across the country. The Onion shares tips for ensuring your child has a safe commute.

Attend a different school each day to throw would-be kidnappers off your trail.

Determine if your bus driver needs uppers, downers, or both.

If cycling to school, disguise yourself as a three-row SUV to ensure safety on the road.

Don’t cut through the old Guilford place. That plot has a shadow upon it.

Remain seated while the school bus is moving unless something cool is happening behind you.

Leave your fox, chicken, and grain at home to avoid any possible river-crossing problems.

Only accept rides from strangers whose vehicles have a NHTSA five-star safety rating.

Follow the path of the wing’d crow, for it surely knows the way to James Polk Elementary!

Avoid walking past dangerous places along the way, like schools.

Dad’s Driving Directions Hinge On Where Old Shell Station Used To Be

2026-08-20T05:00:00+00:00

CHICAGO—Basing the instructions almost entirely on a mental map of his surroundings that had seemingly not been updated since 2002, local dad Kenan Volmer reportedly offered his children driving directions to their uncle’s house Thursday that hinged on where an old Shell station used to be. “So first you’re going to drive down Touhy Avenue, near that place with the good Italian sandwiches, and when you hit the old Shell station, turn right,” said Volmer, who further referred to the long-demolished landmark as located next to “you know, that church where that one cousin of yours was baptized.” “After that, take a left, then take two rights, and then go straight until you hit the shopping center with the old Circuit City. Man, I miss Circuit City. Then, keep going straight until you hit that corner where that cyclist got hit by a car. If you end up at a Costco, you’ve gone too far.” At press time, frustrated sources confirmed they were begging Volmer to stop talking about how cheap gas used to be at the Shell station and just text them an address.

Local Music Venue An Absolute Minefield Of Ex-Boyfriends

2026-08-20T05:00:00+00:00

CHICAGO—As she navigated the concert crowd with increased vigilance, local woman Penelope Frasier issued a red alert Thursday, warning that the music venue she and her friends had just entered was an absolute minefield of her ex-boyfriends. “There could be one hiding around every corner,” said Frasier, quickly peeking out from behind a support beam to check if the coast was clear before wordlessly signaling to her friends to follow her to the women’s bathroom. “They’re camouflaged well among the landscape of beards and black T-shirts, but I’ve already got eyes on three previous partners in the audience—not counting the two behind the bar. We just need to maneuver past the first row, bypass the left side of the stage undetected, and stay out of the sight lines from the merch table. If we evade the pack of people smoking outside, we’ll all make it home safely tonight.” At press time, Frasier reported being startled awake at 2 a.m. to a blitzkrieg of “I saw you at the show tonight” texts.

ICE To Equip Officers With Electric Shock Gloves

2026-08-20T05:00:00+00:00

ICE announced plans to spend up to $20 million on gloves that deliver electric shocks to people who do not cooperate. What do you think?

“Hopefully you can still opt in for the traditional beating.”
Evilyn Hondo, Beet Slicer

“They could also just rub their socks on the carpet.”
Vaughn Campbell, Test Timer

“Probably good to break up the monotony of shooting people all day.”
Scott Tomlin, Quinceañera Coordinator

Dead Fantasy Football Commissioner’s Password Guessed Again

2026-08-20T05:00:00+00:00

The Nude, Shrieking, 12-Foot Man Only We Can See: Could He Be The Next James Bond?

2026-08-20T05:00:00+00:00

‘Harry Potter’ Fans Force Relocation Of Undersea Cable To Avoid Fictional Elf’s Grave

2026-08-19T08:26:07+00:00

Harry Potter fans forced the relocation of a multi-hundred million dollar undersea power cable they claimed would disturb the fake grave of the fictional house elf Dobby, the linkage now redirected to pass near actual Bronze Age human burial remains. What do you think?

“I knew eventually something controversial would happen with Harry Potter.”
Logan Finley, Diet Inventor

“They couldn’t relocate it through a shelter for trans youth?”
Giovina Bianchi, Towel Folder

“Those geeks are gonna hate the parking garage I’m building over ALF’s tomb.”
Ian Perry, Corporate Motivator

Little League World Series Game Turned Off Due To Neither Team Having Big Fat Kid

2026-08-19T07:19:55+00:00

BUFFALO, NY—Audibly groaning before declaring the event “a major letdown” compared to competitions in previous years, local baseball fan Dylan St. John reportedly switched off Wednesday’s Little League World Series game between Canada and Asia-Pacific due to neither team having a big fat kid playing for them. “What the fuck is up with all these goddamn string beans? What happened to all the huge, chunky kids?” said a visibly irate St. John, telling reporters that he had been looking forward to the Little League World Series as the only remaining sporting event where fans could watch 250-pound 12-year-olds compete at an elite level. “What’s the point of watching this thing if there aren’t any tweens the size of a D1 linebacker with a nickname like ‘Meatball’ or ‘Tortuga’ or something? If I wanted to see a bunch of normal-sized kids play baseball, I’d go to my local park, but this is the Little League World Series—I’m here to see some massively overweight kids just fucking launch balls into orbit. Seriously, some of these kids look like they’re barely pushing 100 pounds. What a waste of time.” At press time, St. John had turned the game back on after his buddy texted him that Canada had just put in a 260-pound catcher the announcers referred to as ‘Wrecking Ball.’”

Democratic Socialism: Myth Vs. Fact

2026-08-19T07:18:19+00:00

Candidates from the left’s Democratic Socialists of America party have been gaining momentum around the country in primaries leading up to the midterms. The Onion examines the common myths and facts surrounding the DSA.

MYTH: Socialist ideas have never worked in the real world.

FACT: No political theory has ever worked in real life.

MYTH: The Soviet Union had democratic socialism.

FACT: The Soviet Union had a dog who went to space.

MYTH: The government will take away your money and give it to the poor.

FACT: You are the poor.

MYTH: The workers of the world must unite and seize the means of production from the ruling class by force if necessary.

FACT: The workers of the world should politely ask if they can have Labor Day off this year.

MYTH: DSA policies like universal healthcare would help millions of Americans.

FACT: Israel has the right to defend itself.

White House Confirms It Customary For President To Start Press Conference With ‘Moo’

2026-08-19T07:16:35+00:00

WASHINGTON—Defending the introductory barnyard sounds as typical for any commander-in-chief, White House officials confirmed Wednesday that it was customary for U.S. presidents to start a press conference with the word ‘moo.’ “Of course the left-wing press is going to attempt to spin this as some sort of insult or mental outburst, but countless presidents since America’s founding have begun taking questions by pointing at a heavyset reporter and making a deep, bellowing cow noise,” said White House chief of staff Susie Wiles, asserting that several archival recordings of John F. Kennedy and Bill Clinton feature those presidents making animal sounds before they launch into their prepared remarks. “It’s just another unfair double standard against Trump, criticizing him for mooing like every leader before him. George W. Bush did a whole series of barks and woofs before addressing the nation in the wake of 9/11, but of course liberals won’t acknowledge that precedent.” Wiles went on to state that countless modern politicians also end their public appearances by crab-walking away from the podium.