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Wife’s Muscular Sidepiece Challenged To Battle Of Wits

2026-07-17T05:00:00+00:00

DAYTON, OH—Jeering that the other man’s chiseled physique would offer little aid in their upcoming confrontation, local intellectual Kenneth Dufresne reportedly challenged his wife’s muscular sidepiece to a battle of wits Friday. “Your hypertrophied pectorals may have momentarily swayed Veronica from the path of marital fidelity, but let’s see how you fare when not your body but your mind is put to the test!” Dufresne said to the completely shredded personal trainer, adding that his romantic rival would have little hope of retaining his wife’s interest when forced to compete in the arena of logic puzzles, mental math, and Star Wars trivia. “Your sculpted Adonis belt won’t save you from the cerebral shellacking you’re about to endure. A quick preview of what you’re up against: 3.14159265358979323846. Yes, it’s time for me to cast off the cuckold’s horns and restore brains to their rightful place above brawn. Perhaps next time you’ll think harder before intruding upon the marriage of a certified Mensan.” At press time, witnesses reported hearing a triumphant Dufresne yelling to his rival through a window that abandoning their contest in order to fuck his wife counted as a forfeit.

Man Resents Home Run For Making Him Pause Eating, Clap

2026-07-17T05:00:00+00:00

KANSAS CITY, MO—Audibly groaning as everyone around him rose to their feet, local baseball fan Mark Girma told reporters Friday that he resented a fourth-inning home run for making him pause eating so he could clap. “Oh, for Christ’s sake, now?” said Girma, who had reportedly just squeezed his way down his row following a 25-minute concessions ordeal and was balancing a hot dog, a cup of fries, and a large beer on his lap when Kansas City Royals left fielder Isaac Collins launched a solo shot into the bleachers. “I thought I was safe—the guy’s hitting .240 with five homers all year. Figured it was a good time to eat. But now I look like an asshole because I’m the only one in the section who isn’t standing, and I’m trying to clap while clutching a napkin in my left hand, and the fries are sliding off my leg, and I got ketchup on my wrist, and I’m gripping the beer cup with my teeth. Oh, God, what a disaster. I fucking hate baseball.” At press time, Girma was reportedly quietly hoping for a double play so the inning would end and he could safely resume eating without risk of further chaos.

Bat-Wielding Christopher Nolan Confronts Man Using Bathroom During ‘The Odyssey’

2026-07-17T05:00:00+00:00

LOS ANGELES—Bursting through the stall door with a baseball bat hoisted over his head, director Christopher Nolan reportedly confronted moviegoer Luke Dias on Friday for using the bathroom during The Odyssey. “You just couldn’t hold it, could you?” the Oscar-winning filmmaker said as he kicked his victim off the toilet seat and delivered a violent swing that shattered the porcelain stool. “Do you know what kind of incredible IMAX footage you’re missing right now? All because you just had to suck down a giant Icee during the previews? Well, I’m glad you like being in the bathroom so much, because you’re not leaving here until I’m through with you. I don’t care that it’s your third time seeing it—thanks to your lack of respect, you’re going to be eating your Sno-Caps through a tube from now on. Shame! Shame on you!” Nolan was later seen standing over the cowering fan and screaming, “And you call yourself an AMC Stubs A-List member?!”

Fan Clearly Drowning In Diamondbacks Pool

2026-07-17T05:00:00+00:00

Man Who Bought ‘Odyssey’ Ticket Year Ahead Correctly Assumed He Wouldn’t Have Anything Going On

2026-07-17T05:00:00+00:00

Mitch McConnell Clarifies Absence Due To Brief Planned Trip To Afterlife

2026-07-17T05:00:00+00:00

WASHINGTON—Explaining that the public had no reason to be alarmed over his temporary leave, Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) clarified Friday that his absence from Congress was due to a brief planned trip to the afterlife. “While I understand people’s concern, I’ve simply been on a routine visit to the next world,” said the seven-term Republican, who added that he had participated in similar diplomatic trips several times this year, establishing connections with key dignitaries in the celestial plane. “Over the past month, I’ve traveled extensively across the infernal region and had many fruitful talks with the Lord of Darkness. But as much as I’ve loved the depths of hell, I’m excited to return to the United States and serve the American people.” At press time, McConnell said he and longtime ally Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) had established an afterlife task force to better advance U.S. interests in the spirit realm.

AI: Myth Vs. Fact

2026-07-17T05:00:00+00:00

A recent poll found that Americans who are concerned about artificial intelligence outnumber those who are excited about it by a margin of three to one. The Onion examines the common myths and facts surrounding AI.

MYTH: AI can never be ethical.

FACT: Grok says it can.

MYTH: AI could discover cures for all diseases.

FACT: AI is going to keep a few of the nastier ones around in case humans get out of line.

MYTH: AI can predict the future.

FACT: That power was only available to Miss Cleo.

MYTH: I’m going to lose my job to AI.

FACT: We’re still a few years away from AI models that can sell molly to high schoolers.

MYTH: AI is trained on illegally scraped data.

FACT: No data is illegal on stolen land.

Argentina Recognizes Goldfish As Sentient Beings With Rights

2026-07-17T05:00:00+00:00

An Argentine court recognized two goldfish rescued from a sushi restaurant aquarium in Buenos Aires as sentient beings with legal rights, marking a major milestone for animal welfare. What do you think?

“I bet they were thrilled for a few seconds.”
Billy Neiderman, Appliance Collector

“They always have the best attorneys.”
Matthias Oxenham, Retired Hobbyist

“My kids are going to jail.”
Leah Barrise, Horse Photographer

‘Hunt For Gollum’ Director Andy Serkis Defends Film’s All–Andy Serkis Cast

2026-07-17T04:35:09+00:00

LONDON—Responding to concerns about the lack of diversity in his upcoming project, The Lord Of The Rings: The Hunt For Gollum director Andy Serkis defended the film’s all–Andy Serkis cast during an interview Friday. “It isn’t my fault that the characters in the books are all Andy Serkis,” said filmmaker and actor Andy Serkis, adding that Andy Serkis was the right person for every role in the new Lord Of The Rings movie, and at the end of the day, that was what really mattered. “This is just how Middle-earth is. It’s a very Serkian place. Frodo, Gandalf, the Elves—those are all me, and I’m not going to cast people other than me just to tick boxes. J.R.R. Tolkien himself was inspired by Norse mythology, and those stories were absolutely full of 62-year old men who voiced Caesar in the Planet Of The Apes reboot.” In response to the diversity concerns, Fox News has praised Serkis for rejecting the politically correct status quo of casting anyone but Andy Serkis.

Female Supreme Court Justices Formally Request Protection From Brett Kavanaugh

2026-07-16T12:35:34+00:00

WASHINGTON—Acknowledging that the danger would be difficult to manage and impossible to eliminate altogether, the Supreme Court’s female justices nevertheless appeared before Congress this week to ask for protection from fellow justice Brett Kavanaugh. “We understand that our safety cannot be guaranteed, but we are in a uniquely vulnerable position and have the right to carry out our duties without worrying that we’ll turn a corner one day and find Brett Kavanaugh standing there in the hallway,” said Justice Amy Coney Barrett, adding that she recently had to explain to her teenage children why she was forced to wear extra layers of baggy, shapeless shirts at work. “While we realize that posting security in every corridor and meeting room of the Supreme Court building could cost taxpayers millions of dollars, we can’t ignore the threat of Justice Kavanaugh, which has skyrocketed since 2018 and shows no sign of slowing down. By the time I step into an elevator with him inside it, it’ll be too late.” Barrett went on to say, however, that outside the security appropriation, Congress should stay out of Supreme Court affairs except to unethically appoint conservative justices.

Mom’s Remembrance Of Sam Neill Takes Lewd Turn

2026-07-16T12:30:41+00:00

GAINESVILLE, FL—Alarmed and disturbed by the sudden shift in tone, living room sources confirmed Thursday that local mother Jeanine Weaver’s remembrance of Sam Neill had taken a lewd turn. “He was a terrific actor, one of my favorites to watch—and mm, mm, what a man he was,” said the 62-year-old woman who got a faraway look in her eyes that suggested to sources that Weaver had forgotten they were even standing in the same room. “I’ll never forget the first time I saw Jurassic Park, or how it made me feel. I used to rewind that VHS tape again and again. Yes, yes. He knew what he was doing, strutting around in that little hat. You know, I always thought your father looked a bit like Sam Neill.” At press time, Weaver had retreated to her bedroom to rewatch Jurassic Park alone.

U.S. Military To Test Troops’ Testosterone Levels

2026-07-16T12:26:20+00:00

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced a new policy to test testosterone levels of service members aged 30 and above as part of their annual health assessment, with medical teams recommending hormone therapy for those found to be deficient. What do you think?

“Bad news for the 82nd Eunuch Division.”
Britt Kravitz, Oven Tester

“They should also consider providing troops with hair transplants and buccal fat removal.”
Owen Maselli, Unemployed

“Yet my ‘mandatory stool tests for mailmen’ idea went nowhere.”
Niles Fishbein, Flag Waver

Cyclosporiasis Outbreak Linked To Ancient Evil Corrupting The 7 Sacred Diarrhea Crystals

2026-07-16T08:52:43+00:00

ATLANTA—Claiming they had definitively identified the source of the ongoing surge in foodborne illness, Centers for Disease Control officials issued a statement Thursday linking the nation’s cyclosporiasis outbreak to an ancient evil corrupting the Seven Sacred Diarrhea Crystals. “After extensive laboratory testing and data analysis, our epidemiologists have determined that the current outbreak of cyclospora infections was caused by the dark sorcerer Valnos escaping from the Prism of Binding and subsequently plunging the sacred crystals that govern the flow of diarrhea through our lands into chaos and disharmony,” said acting CDC head Jay Bhattacharya, adding that residents in the states of Michigan and New York should avoid consuming bagged salads until Valnos’ corruption has been purged from the Sacred Diarrhea Crystals with the Blade of Destined Digestion. “Our response team has already purified the Crystal of Looseness deep within the forests of the Stoolwood, and we’re close to reaching the Crystal of Wateriness in the sunken temple beneath Lake Shartoa and the Crystal of Burning within the fiery crater atop Squirtfire Peak. We’re troubled by reports that Valnos is personally guarding the most powerful of the diarrhea crystals—the Crystal of Blood—within his sanctum at Fort Explosia, but we remain confident that a public health expert of pure colon and indomitable will shall rise up to defeat him and restore order to diarrhea, as was prophesied eons ago in the Great Age of Excreta.” At press time, Bhattacharya urged Americans to continue washing their produce until one with the power of all seven crystals sat upon the Throne of Voiding and banished Valnos and his legions of cyclospora forever using their heart’s sincerest wish.

What To Know About Cyclosporiasis

2026-07-16T06:41:47+00:00

Cases of cyclosporiasis, a parasitic infection that can cause “explosive diarrhea,” have been reported in at least 34 states. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the illness.

Q: Who is most at risk?

A: Children, the elderly, and poor fuckers who’ve already used all their sick days.

Q: Why is it called “explosive” diarrhea?

A: Extensive focus group testing.

Q: How many cases have been recorded?

A: Oh, the CDC doesn’t do that anymore.

Q: How can I tell if I have cyclosporiasis?

A: You know there are exactly 36 tiles on your bathroom floor.

Q: How is cyclosporiasis treated?

A: With a large cork and plenty of prayer.

Q: How do I keep myself safe?

A: Let all your compulsions and neuroses take over your life again.

Public Begs Mitch McConnell To Stop Releasing Photos Of Himself

2026-07-16T06:38:37+00:00

WASHINGTON—In an emotional press conference driven by fear and desperation, the American public begged Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) on Thursday to stop releasing photos of himself. “If you’re listening, Sen. McConnell, please—we’ve had enough,” said a spokesperson for 340 million Americans across the country, who emphasized that they didn’t want to see the Republican lawmaker from a different angle, and they didn’t want any videos, either. “It’s okay if you’re alive. It’s okay if you’re dead. We’d rather just embrace the mystery, do you hear us? If we want another photo of you, we’ll ask, though that’s unlikely to happen. Also, please, no photos of your wife.” At press time, the American public had suggested that the office of Mitch McConnell release some photos of the delightful Shawn Hatosy as Dr. Jack Abbot.

Riot Police Excitedly Crouch Behind Armored Vehicle Like Group Of 3-Year-Olds About To Perform Ballet

2026-07-16T05:00:00+00:00

LOS ANGELES—Bunching together with nervous energy and dolled up in matching gear, a group of riot police crouched excitedly behind an armored vehicle like 3-year-olds about to begin a ballet recital, witnesses confirmed Thursday. Several reports indicated that the squad of body-armor-clad men giggled and poked at each other in anticipation of their signal to engage, leading their commander to shove them back into position like a frustrated dance mom. According to sources, the heavily armed riot cops smiled and waved to bystanders despite their superior officer urging them to stay focused. As they pointed to the people they were going to beat first, many got so worked up that they reportedly tripped over each other and dropped their batons when they were finally told it was “showtime.” At press time, the commander was seen begrudgingly leading one of the riot cops to a nearby bathroom after he had nervously pissed himself.

Insisting Coworker Get To Point Somehow Slows Him Down

2026-07-16T05:00:00+00:00

Madonna Accused Of Pandering With New Song About Trying To Find Available Spot In Fire Island Share House

2026-07-16T05:00:00+00:00

Rubio Vows To Dismantle International Criminal Court

2026-07-15T07:44:00+00:00

Secretary of State Marco Rubio announced a U.S. diplomatic campaign to dismantle the International Criminal Court “brick by brick,” claiming the tribunal could be used to override U.S. courts and the Constitution. What do you think?

“Ignoring them seems to be working out fine.”
Steve Parkins, Spoon Polisher

“Can he bring back Night Court?”
Alicia Krebs, Banner Hanger

“The only foreigner who should be telling Americans how to live is Santa.”
Greg Degutis, Systems Analyst

Barack Obama Pretends To Be Canadian While Traveling Abroad

2026-07-15T05:00:00+00:00

PARIS—In an effort to blend in with other tourists and avoid negative repercussions for being American, former U.S. President Barack Obama was reportedly pretending this week to be Canadian while traveling abroad in France. “Sorry, when I said I’m from Chicago, I meant the one in Ontario,” said the ex-commander-in-chief, adding that he had never been to the United States but had heard some “pretty crazy things” about the “stuff going on down there.” “Yeah, it sure seems like those Yanks have gone way off the deep end. I can’t believe they elected that guy either. Thankfully, in Canada we have a much more sane presi— I mean, prime minister. [Mark] Carney all the way! Personally, though, I try not to think too much about politics. I’m much more into hockey, Trailer Park Boys, and…uh…maple syrup. Also really love moose and those funny-looking policemen with the bright red uniforms and the wide brim hats. And Tim Hortons! Who doesn’t love a fresh cup of coffee from Tim Hortons?” At press time, sources confirmed Obama had given himself away by calling a Timbit a “donut hole.”